Thursday, May 5, 2011
For now I must sit here and ponder the yonder......
There has been alot of reflection going on in my life lately and I honestly don't know what to make of it. I don't like who I am, to be bluntly honest. I'm judgemental, ignorant, and can just be flat out mean. On the other side of the coin I can be caring, sensitive, and bubbling over with love that I have no outlet for. The thing is, it's not like I haven't been presented with said outlet, I have been. Its just I run away or I choose to keep my good qualities to myself as if im saving them or im just being the selfish ass that I am. I can sort of trace back the reasons for my reservations in my life history, I wont bore you with those. Lets just say that things that I thought would never change - did, and has led to my constant wall and self-medication.
I suppose its all a matter of perspective and not letting life's negativities define you but having them be the positive after-matter that fills your proverbial glass to the point of being half full. I dont want to be half empty..... hell, I don't even want to be half full. I want to be "Holy shit this is an awesome glass! Have a drink out of this glass!"
Maybe I'm just in the state of emotional evolution where the reasoning behind my thought processes wont become clear until they are done growing. I mean, birds wings didn't grow overnight. I sure there was a time in avian evolution where Mr. Kestral looked at the nubs growing out of his body and thought, "what the hell are these things for?"
The love is there. It is growing, I can feel it.
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I don't think it's self-"dis-likeness", if you will. I feel as though there's a point, or a period of time, in everyone's life when it's harder than other times to easily find that self-love instead of that shitty self-hatred, or discontent with self, whatever you want to call it. We've all been there or are there or will be there again. The good thing is your awareness and current self-reflection, because those are the tools one can use to get back on track and love thyself and treat others better, because when one loves ones self, one has that love overflowing in which to give more and more to others and realize the beauty and trust there is in the universe to care for us and bring us what we need most - love.
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